Popped by the Poop Police

In Aspen, they really don't take any shit.

In fact, if your dog is to deposit some when you're not looking and you don't pick it up, it's a $100 fine.

Dog off leash? Another 100 bucks.

God forbid you have two dogs off leash and one pile of shit you're looking at $300.

Pitkin County Park Ranger John Armstrong informed me of all this yesterday when I went on a run to clear my head and came home even more broke and upset than I was when I left. He casually rode up to me as I was running and introduced himself with -- no pun intended -- a real shit-eating grin that conveyed to me he really enjoys busting people on the job.

"Your dog just took an enormous shit back there," he said, making me wonder what a public official who uses this kind of language is capable of. "A dog that big leaves a very large deposit."

"No shit," I wanted to say, but didn't.

I won't deny the crime.  I was running with 180 pounds of dog between George, a German Shepard, and Psycho Paws, my chow-lab mix. I decided to let them off the leash when I saw the trail was empty and both dogs needed a good run after being cooped up in the house all day. I didn't see George "take an enormous shit" because he was behind me and both dogs had already relieved themselves somewhere near Art in the Park, so I wasn't expecting it. Yes, big dogs take big shits. Apparently this big dog took two, only one of which I cleaned up.

"Do you have any bags on you?" Shit Boy asked, growing taller and towering over me with saliva hanging from his jowls. 

"No, because I already used them both," I explained, looking away. He had really big teeth.

"That's a crime," he said, like he had just caught me smoking crack under the Stein Bridge.

I understand people are upset, and rightly so, about the amount of dog shit that is left on our bike paths and hiking trails on a daily basis. Believe me, as the owner of a psychotic dog, I understand the need for leashes. My rationalization yesterday was IT'S OFF SEASON. there is NO ONE around. and everyone who is out on the trail is thinking the same thing I am because EVERYONE I saw had their dogs off leash, only to be saved by me from what is an exorbident fine.

I mean, I CRIED when he told me the ticket would be 100 bucks. I told him I can't afford that, and I can't. I told him I would do community service and spend a day picking up poop if I had to.

He just stood there and smiled a sinister smile, licking his chops like he was going to eat me for lunch. I kept waiting for him to go, "you know, there is a way we can settle this if you want to step behind that tree over there ..." 

I'm sorry but I think 100 dollars is an insane amount of money to be fined for having a dog off leash during off-season. The poop thing I can understand being a crime, but the punishment seems a little high. I guess they have to charge that much to pay the Shit Cop, but come on. Even in North San Diego County, an area with a much higher population density, dogs were allowed off leash on certain beaches. What's the point of living in a beautiful place like Aspen if our dogs have to be chained to us like zoo animals? It seems like the Rio Grande trail should allow dogs off leash for at least part of the trail, maybe from Cemetary Lane, where the traffic isn't as bad. Or maybe there should be dates when leash laws don't have to be in effect, like in April and May when -- let's face it -- everyone who's out there already knows each other anyway.

That's why it was especially embarrassing when two women I know from yoga walked by as I was waiting to be cuffed and tied to Poop Man's mountain bike with something, like maybe a leash.

They're both my students and very sweet people.

"We can vouch for her that's she's poor," they said.

What's even crazier is Dump Man let them go and held me there like I had just murdered a child. I'm surprised he didn't throw handcuffs on me and smash my face into a tree.

I ran for well over an hour figuring I might as well get my money's worth. I kept running and running hoping I could run until I wasn't mad anymore but I kept seeing the Shit Cop every five minutes, pedaling up and down his beloved territory like he might drop drawers, lift a leg, and mark it himself. 

Every single person I passed had their dogs off the leash. When I told them Crap Boy was handing out tickets, they thanked me and leashed their dogs. I probably saved the good dog owners of Aspen over $1000 that day.

I mean, even the Parking Nazis give you a warning the first time around. And even though there are signs posted all along the trail, nowhere does it say 100 DOLLAR FINE with a list of various violations including dog dumpage, leash offage, and no carrying bag-baggage.

If it did, most people would likely take their dogs somewhere where the dogs and their people can enjoy a nice walk without having to face law enforcement for taking a little liberty with their freedom during off season when there is plenty of space to share.

It's too bad the City or the County has invested so much money into making the Rio Grande trail the beautiful, magical place it once was. 

See you on Smuggler,

Princess